Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Not Keeping my Cool

I had a little bit of a breakdown yesterday. Rather, a meltdown. My mom and Mommaw can both attest to this, poor sweet women caught in the crossfire of my exhaustion, stress, perfectionism, massive headache, and type A personality, all colliding to make one (excuse my French) hell of a tough day.

Chocolate wouldn't help. Soft jammies and a hot shower wouldn't help. A walk outside wouldn't help. Exercise wouldn't help. The desperate nature of my meltdown was achy, making me seem from the outside like a temperamental three year old, but on the inside feel like a steam kettle coming to a rapid boil and will not be ceased, regardless of being removed from the flame. I felt like I was walking though a haze, with nothing in focus, everything off in the distance and aggravatingly unattainable, and even the simplest of tasks were monumental and impossible, exhausting and disheartening me. And it wasn't event 10am yet.

So what did I finally end up doing to make it all stop? To bring some peace to my overloaded, under nourished, and maxed out mind? I prayed. Through tears, clenched fists, and a frog in my throat, I prayed. I knelt at the foot of my bed and prayed for a clean slate, to start all over with my sin washed away and forgiven, and for help to forgive myself for such misdeeds. I prayed for peace, to sleep soundly, deeply, and awake restful, refreshed, and calm. And I prayed to be led home, into the arms of God, for Him to watch over me, to be with me, to hold my hand and carry me. And then I went to bed and slept with abandon. I didn't set an alarm. I didn't worry about my laundry or groceries or homework. I simply said, "no more." And it was grey outside.

When I woke up, it was the most brilliant sunshiny day all week. I felt better, calmer, more rested, more put together. Was I still tired? Sure. But my heart didn't ache anymore. And my soul didn't feel like it was being torn in too many directions. And I could muster a smile without feeling like a hypocrite. So improvement to say the least. After a hard cider and a couple pieces of pizza, I went back to bed.

And today has been better and better. I was reminded yesterday that I am not walking alone, that I don't ever have to walk alone. The sun was out, I aced my Cost Control exam, finally got around to grocery shopping after work, and had dinner with my parents. Nothing to write home about, but still, there was a spring in my step today that was most certainly not there yesterday. 

I know this entry has been a bit melancholy and whiny, but I think it's important for people to know you loose your cool sometimes. No one is perfect after all, and by sharing the fact that I am light years away from perfection, I think it reminds me of the fact as well. But I was reminded of something. I am not alone. And when it comes right down to it, I would rather have a hell of a bad day than to go one more minute trying to walk alone.

I hope this serves as a reminder to you all, that being a Christian doesn't mean our path will be easy, it just means that we won't have to face it alone.

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